


I can't breathe

by Odestaholyship



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: I love them so much, M/M, Malec, Shadowhunters - Freeform, alec x magnus, tmi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 13:15:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6425452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odestaholyship/pseuds/Odestaholyship
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec and Magnus' first kiss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't breathe

Lydia’s eyes were bright as they stared at Alec’s; she was hopeful, happy. Full of excitement for this day, this celebration, that would fix everything, seal her union with Alexander and restore the honor of the Lightwood name. And everywhere he looked, the same joy reflected from everyone’s faces: excited smiles were exchanged in the crowd, and in the front row, Alec could see his mother looking prouder than she ever had.

And yet, Alec felt _so_ wrong. These guests and friends around him were like each other’s mirrors, all smiles and genuine joy for Lydia and Alec; and whenever he tried to look at any of them, it felt like he was trying to stare at the sun. The pride in their eyes was burning like fire, their smiles were like cuts on his skin, each more painful than the other. Facing Lydia was the worst of them all: Alexander wasn’t doing her a favor. She wasn’t doing him a favor. They were there for all the wrong reasons, and she had hope in him. Hope for a better tomorrow, for a better life together - even if they both knew that deep down, they would feel more lonely than they ever could alone.

Alec didn’t hear the Silent Brother’s words, even though they were echoing in his head like they were his own thougths - the words got lost in his own doubts, and he almost jumped when he saw the stele in Lydia’s hand. Trying to breathe easy, Alec focused on Lydia’s eyes in front of him; they were bright, and so sure. Everything that Alec’s weren’t. Lydia’s grip on his arm was steady and strong, and Alec was grateful for that - he felt like he could slump down on the floor if there wasn’t something to hold on to. Something that kept him grounded on reality, the reality that was so quickly turning into something from Alexander’s worst nightmares.

A loud sound of a door slamming pierced the air, and Lydia’s grip was gone. She turned to face the door, and so did it Alec.

Magnus. Magnus was standing at the end of the aisle, staring at Alec. His eyes glided over the stele in Lydia’s hesitant hand and landed on Alexander, and the look in his eyes knocked the wind out of Alec’s lungs. Magnus’ eyes were filled with doubt, desperation and something else - sadness? There certainly weren’t any hope in them, but he didn’t move to leave or to approach Alec.

Maryse was the first one to move: she got up from her seat and rushed her way to Magnus. Alec couldn’t quite catch her words, but it wasn’t hard to imagine what she was saying to the warlock. Magnus answered with a few short words, completely brushing her off. He took a couple of steps forward to get past Maryse, and stopped. His eyes didn’t look away from Alec’s own, and it only made it worse for Alec to breathe. His heart was racing, his chest rising fast with every heavy breath he took.  
_“Alec?_ ” Lydia’s voice was gentle when she called out for him, snapping him out of his confusion. “Hey.”

Alec had to nearly force himself to tear his gaze from Magnus, and looking at Lydia only made it all worse. Her eyes were still bright, though Alec wasn’t quite sure whether it was hope or just compassion - either way, it made Alec feel bad, made it impossible for him to think straight.  
_“I…”_ He gasped out, trying to fathom intelligible words and force them out, but he couldn’t breathe. “I can’t _breathe_.”

Alec’s voice was breathless, his breathing heavier by every second. But Lydia’s smile didn’t fade, there was no doubt in her eyes when she looked at Alec.  
“I know. It’s okay,” she said, her voice full of compassion. Did she understand what was going on? Did she know? Alec shook his head, his breath shaking with every word he tried to force out. He could feel all the eyes on them, and again he felt the pressure and heat that was his family and his friends, all looking at him and waiting for him to say something. _Anything._

“I _can’t_ do this,” Alec breathed out, suddenly feeling more than uncomfortable in the situation. It was unbearable. Lydia’s smile wavered when she heard his words, the slightest of disappointment clear in her eyes. “I thought that we were doing the right thing, but… This isn’t it.”

“You don’t have to explain,” Lydia answered, and her voice was warm. As warm as her smile that bore no hatred for Alec, even though he had just ruined their wedding and their entire plan to steady their family names. There was only warmth for Alec, and he felt grateful when he realized that she was serious. He felt grateful and unbearably guilty at the same time.

“Lydia, I’m sorry,” Alec said, his voice true with guilt and compassion for the girl that he had just let down.

“Hey, you deserve to be happy,” she said, stretched out her hand and brushed at Alec’s cheek gently; her hand was soft against his skin, her eyes still bright with compassion and joy. Joy for Alexander, for he might have found his happiness - and he deserved it, just like she had said. Magnus was his happiness, and she didn’t want to be the one to stand between them. Lydia would never do that to Alec. To anyone. Alec’s eyes were starting to brighten, the slightest of smiles on his lips. There was guilt in his expression, and upon seeing it, Lydia said: “I’ll be fine.”

Alec couldn’t figure out anything else to say to her. He wanted to tell her how guilty he felt, but her eyes told him to go; find his happiness before it would be gone right from under his nose. So Alec did. He turned towards Magnus and froze, unsure what to do; time seemed to freeze between them, and suddenly it felt like there was too much distance between them. Every inch was too much for Alec.

He walked down the three steps and stopped. His own words started ringing in his head: _Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you? I could lose my family, my career, everything!_

_You have choice to make._

_I won’t ask again._

And before Alec even realized it, he was walking. Towards Magnus, towards his happiness, ready to throw away everything that mattered - for him. And it didn’t bother him at all. But before he could reach the warlock, his own mother blocked his way, questioning his doings. Maryse’s voice was tense and angered, and even though Alec couldn’t blame her, he also didn’t have any time for her.  
_“Enough,”_ he said, his eyes still locked on Magnus, not even stopping for his mother.

The last few meters were the most painful of Alec’s life; Magnus’ eyes were locked on his, his gaze confused and filled with doubt as Alec approached him. And before neither of them had the chance to say anything, Alec’s hands had taken a firm grip of Magnus’ collars, and he was kissing him.

Magnus’ body pressed agains Alec’s. Alec could smell his slight scent of burnt sugar, feel the warmth of his body pulsating, could hear his ragged breathing in his ears. And it was something that Alec had never felt before; the burning of his skin when Magnus touched him, the feeling like he was losing his breath everytime Magnus’s lips pulled him in to the depths over and over again. It was like trying to stay afloat in the water - except that Alec really, _really_ wanted to sink and drown into Magnus’ scent, his breathing, his touch. He didn’t want to come up to the surface, ever.

There was this briefest of moments when Alec pulled away just to stare at Magnus in the eyes; his lips tried to form words, but he felt like was sinking again, being pulled into the deep. Their lips crashed again, and it took Alec a moment to fight himself free from the feeling and pull himself on to the surface. He pulled away from the kiss, still feeling breathless as ever.

Magnus’ eyes were bright, the doubt and desperation long gone from them. His lips were curved up to a teasing smile. “You _never_ cease to amaze me, Alec.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are much appreciated xx


End file.
